Yesterday is finally over. Very few times I have been as relieved for a day to have gone by than I am today, as I have been over the past few years. I am not really sure what the reason for the anxiety is, that builds itself up for 11 whole days, the moment you realize the fatefull month has arrived.

I spent most of y'day as I would any other weekend - without any order or system to it all. Something I have come to realize I quite fancy. It's not so much that there is anything wrong in particular about the day in itself. The sad irony is the expectation it comes with. From the people around you, and also partially from you since you have spent a certain number of them in a particular manner. You are expected to do something miraculously special. Something that would ideally set the tone for the next iteration.

The only time I have, in my head, set the tone was when I broke 2 glasses on new years and have been breaking endless glasses and bottles at home and otherwise since. Not the best thing, you somehow start believing that whatever you actually did do at 12 on a particular calendar day would define how your entire year would look like.

I tried my best to understand what is it that I dislike about the day. That it makes me want to jump the calendar if I really can. I think its one of the 2 possible things:

1. I don't have anyone in particular to spend it with. Anyone or a group of them.
2. There are people on the other hand who might extend [some who actually did, and it did feel special] themselves to spend it with me, but to me somehow it always appears that I am causing some inconvenience to them. Which may or maynot be the case.

The root cause in either of the possibilities I think can be traced to a basic problem from kindergarden. The capability and therefore the lack of as well, to befriend people. And all of this, since it is in reference to kindergarden, is a purely platonic friendship we are talking about. You meet people, you spend time together, have some great laughs, and continue this cycle for as long as you can, for as long as you chose to carry on their numbers in your phone with every change in the SIM or the phone in itself.

The only difference now is, that you are no longer 4, you no longer have a 'no past' situation, you are a person who has their set of experiences, traits, personalities, behaviors and expectations, and most importantly levels to which you are willing to open yourself, intellectually or emotionally, to these new people.

As confused as it leaves me, with all of this to figure out, and I know for sure there are going to be a sect of people, who will with all conviction denote this to my over-complicating and over-analyzing life in itself, the one thing I realized today in this discussion of 'friends' and all that, is the different levels of friends modern life presents itself.

1. Folks who'll call you at the stroke of the clock.
2. Folks who'll send you an SMS at the stroke of the clock.
3. Folks who'll call you sometime during the decent human hours.
4. Folks who'll send you an SMS during the decent human hours.

Even as they do have an order to it, there is no telling in which direction this order would be. If you are lucky, or unlucky as you chose to see the situation, people will either gradute from the SMS to the call. Or downgrade from the call to the SMS.

Funny ceatures, humans.

The number stands at 27 this year.