This is the second attempt at writing, no I mean publishing a post here. Third I think, counting the drafts I have already. There are too many of them now that I remember.
Well either ways, this is how it stands, and we will pick it up from here. There are a couple of things I did want to write about. To get a general perception on how people look at those scenarios – situations I mean. Clear indication of the fact that my work is definitely taking over, no - too hard a term, having an effect on my vocabulary and thought process. This in ways for sure is a good thing. I think more logically and objectively now – which may or may not be applicable on certain facets in my personal life, they still seem unreasonable. But this is where the talked about logic helps – This is how it is. Deal with it.
I think more often than not, we try and avoid situations that don’t make sense to us. That we don’t see reason to. That seem unjustified. That seem plain unfair. That you wish you could go back in time, just this one time, or be given a second chance you will do it right, you will fix it. It’s the same feeling I got from my gut, desperate need, want to have a second chance to take the penalty shot again – you know for sure almost that back to back penalties will def go – and perhaps win the cup! And I can count multiple times that I have had this desperate, praying, pacing around and wishing against reality that there was a second shot. But if we were to look at it objectively and realize that solutions of any kind are not in your hand, that there is nothing you can do about it – NOTHING – it makes it much easier. Than to go on brooding over it, wishing and hoping against all possible odds. This is where I totally am against those in your face optimists, who go on parading on your face how perfect their lives are. Because the rest of us are ignoring it, doesn’t really mean we are unaware of it. We don’t want to know, you are happy, great! Now if you would excuse me, I have a not so pretty situation to deal with!
And I am sure that more often than not, even when we are stuck to that glimmer of hope, we do tend to lose it. Ourselves. In our minds. But this is the thing that makes me go through each and every time – there have been some for sure – I know it for a fact that I am not going to be unhappy or mulling over whatever this present unexpected/expected turn of events life has to present. We all have been through enough nonsense that we know it’s not the end. For you. This shall pass too. You will go on life like you were meant to. You will be happy. You will have most of things, hopefully, that you desire. You will lead the ‘regular’ life that you are trying so hard to get. You will not care about what people have to say. You will not seek acceptance. You will not change to be accepted. This is who you are. This is who everyone around you likes you for. And if by chance, along the way you meet, see some people who don’t accept that, well too bad for them! As long as you like who you are, as long as people, most of your ‘friends and family’ are happy about the human being you are. That’s all that matters.
It’s like how I don’t understand people listening to sad songs when they are sad. I don’t get it. If you are sad isn’t your first priority to make yourself 'not sad'? How does a sad song, about lost love, about lost times, about life in all its unpredictable glory help? I don’t get it.
And all of this has little to nothing to do with forgiveness. If you can forgive yourself, to have treated yourself not nicely, not cared about yourself, not given a damn about eating/sleeping. That’s who you need to forgive. Forgive yourself to have become harder a person that you were. To have become a cold. To have become someone you perhaps didn’t recognize from behavior, action.
I definitely have not forgotten maybe even will not, but I just don't care. In spite of myself.
Move on.
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